Frustration, or what to do when you are not getting what you want

You would like to get this promotion to a better role - more money, more authority, more respect. Or you would like your children to graduate from a top university. Or you would like to have this great new house. Or you would like your spouse to lose weight,or you would like to lose weight, or ... name it yourself.

Everyone wants something. And there is nothing wrong about wanting, having our dreams and desires. They give us the energy to act, the reason to live and care about life, the feeling of fulfilment (however short it may last) when we finally achieve our goal.

But the truth is that we not always can achieve them. And then what we feel is the frustration. The feeling of failure, of the lack of success, the lack of fulfilment. Weakness and hopelessness. We get overwhelmed by the negative emotions. Dark forces. We deal with the frustration in many ways - in most cases we suppress our desire and replace it with something else. We tell ourselves that we do not want it anymore, and shift either towards nothing, or towards things that are not what we exactly want may be easier to achieve.

The former moves us towards depression, the lack of action, and the vicious wheel of underachievement; or to quiet desperation, the harmful pretending to ourselves that we do not want anything anymore.

The latter can push us to pathological behaviours - infidelity, crime, lying, loss of integrity. These are dangerous to ourselves, our families, businesses and the society.

We can also deny the frustration itself - keep banging our head against the brick wall. Get bruises, cuts, bleed, and finally spiral down into exhaustion, and end up in one of the coping mechanisms described above.

Is there a better way?

Yes, actually there are several. Some people cope with the frustration via their faith, some seek consolation in engagement into social activities, and there are probably tens of other ways that the frustration can be dealt with. I have my own way, and it may be similar, in principle, to all other successfull ways of dealing with the frustration.

My motto is: not getting what you want may be a good reason to stop and take a breath (sometimes quite a few), but it  is not a reason to say that you do not want it anymore!

So what does it mean?

It means that you never give up your dream. You never suppress your desire. You want for you want, and you never ever lie to yourself. But you can make a conscious assessment of the achievability of what you want, and then make your own choice: I keep going for it, or not. For anything you may want to get, there is a price to pay.  If the price is reasonable, go for it. If the price is too high, you decide to put it on hold. It does not mean that you do not want it, it means that you just cannot afford it now. You can keep on working and saving, and wait for the sale at the same time, or just look for a cheaper opportunity - this is a metaphor, a real life example is: your son cannot get to Harvard this year, but may be he can get there next year? Or is there another university that would be good enough, and perhaps it may turn out to be even a better choice?

But some people get there without waiting ... this is really annoying!

Fine, this may be annoying indeed. But you know what? If you look closely at these successful people, you will usually realise that they paid a huge price for their success. They probably decided (or it was decided for them) to sacrifice something that you would not be willing to part with. And there is something else: the starting point. Very often, these people were starting from a different position (e.g. more money, higher social status, family connections, etc.). This is life, and there is nothing we can do about it. But it does not mean that you should stop dreaming your dream. At the same time, it does not mean that you should ruin your family because you want to quit your job and become a rock star at the age of 45. Still, you can learn to play guitar very well - you have plenty of time until you die, and you will likely find time to practise; rethink and prioritise your schedule. Look for a way to achieve the best of both world!